Crystal Clear by Pho

Crystal Clear
By Pho

The first light of morning peeked over the distant mountaintops revealing a wilderness that stretched for miles. But for all the serenity of the landscape, the pristine beauty only succeeded in tearing a hole in Daniel Jackson's soul. PR1-225 looked much as the ancient Americas must have looked before man had reshaped them in his image. A heartfelt sigh died in his throat as he sank to a snow-covered log, oblivious to the cold and damp seeping through his pants. Idly picking up an overlarge specimen of the planet's version of a pinecone, Daniel began to strip off the scales, allowing them to fall unnoticed into the snow. His thoughts were as dark as the scales against the snow.

'Off-world at the holidays. What could possibly be worse? Oh, yeah. At home for the holidays. Yep. Definitely worse. He should count his blessings.' The young man snorted with derisive laughter. It was crystal clear. He *had* no blessings. His shining star had been ripped from him years before, and the pain of her passing last year had not diminished with time. If anything, it was worse this year than last. Her ... death had been too new last Christmas for him to truly feel the depth of her loss. To be sure, he'd played the *part* - had the funeral, accepted the condolences of his friends, even took the requisite time off for 'personal reasons', the politically correct term for grieving. Then he'd returned to the SGC, put on a stoic game-face and dealt with the upcoming holidays as a grieving widower should. All nice and proper. And so terribly, terribly lonely. Alone, even in a crowd.

Returning his attention to the pinecone, Daniel absently set up a rhythm of destruction as he removed the scales. 'I miss her, I miss her not, I miss her, I miss her not. Oh, God, I miss her so much.' His mind turned backward in time to the terrifying moment when he'd realized that the raven-haired beauty had been given to him. To do with as he pleased. That her happiness, indeed her very life had been turned over to him to deal with in whatever manner he deemed fit. And she'd trusted him implicitly, her dark eyes smiling shyly as she'd lowered her robe before her ... mate. One year. One year of absolute bliss, followed by what, five? Of absolute hell.

"Shit!" Daniel hurled the mutilated pinecone into the distance, watching with satisfaction as it impacted an ice-laden fir tree, sending snow and ice cascading violently to the ground.

"Did that help?"

The quiet inquiry didn't even cause him to flinch. 'When,' thought Daniel, 'did I become impervious to surprise?' He sighed deeply. No use beating around the bush, his CO had come to retrieve his missing man. "I didn't wander too far. Besides, there's nothing to worry about here. It's perfectly secure." This time, Daniel added silently, mildly surprised at his own cheerless tone. Even without turning the younger man could see Jack. The older man was probably leaning against a tree trying for a casual attitude that he probably wasn't feeling. Leaving the encampment unaccompanied was bad enough. Leaving when on watch was the ultimate sin.

No words were exchanged as the colonel made his way through the snow to stand, arms crossed in obvious ill humor, in front of his wayward teammate. "*That* was not what I asked. Let's try this again. Did. That. Help?"

Daniel shrugged, ignoring the emphasis on the words as he responded simply. "No."

"What will?"

"What?" The younger man's head shot up in surprise as he stared at his friend.

"You heard me. What will help?"

"How can you ask that?"

It was Jack's turn to shrug. "It's not hard. I open my mouth and the words come out. Let's try this again as well. What. Will. Help?"

The younger man winced visibly. "You know."

Jack said nothing as he stared down at his friend. A few moments of intense scrutiny and Daniel leaped to his feet. "Fine. Have it your way. I want her back. Now are you satisfied? I don't want to be alone. I want her back, alive and free from *it*. I want to see her hair shining in the sun on a summer's day in the desert. I want to hear her humming as she prepares the evening meal. *Our* evening meal. I want things to be as they were before...before she died." He sank wearily back down on the log, feeling resentful and not a little foolish at the same time. A moment's pause, then he asked, "Is that stupid or what?"

"I'd say 'or what'." Jack smiled slightly at the confused look on Daniel's face. "Translation - it's not stupid, it's a perfectly normal reaction to a horrendous event. Trust me, I know." Jack held up a hand to forestall Daniel's automatic offering of sympathy for his own devastating loss. "Don't. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. Learned a lot in the process, though."

"What?" Daniel asked suspiciously. "That life sucks?"

"Well, yes, that's often true, but I already knew that. What I *did* learn was to cherish the good moments because they'll never come again. And to discount the bad moments as not worth the trouble." He stared at his shoes for a short time, then continued. "I also learned that I wasn't nearly as ready to die as I'd thought. *You* taught me that."

Daniel smiled slightly. "That one of the good moments you want to remember?"

"Could be." Jack smiled back at his friend, then sobered. "She'll never really be lost to you, Daniel, as long as you keep her close to your heart and share her memory with those you care about and those who care about you."

"Ya think?" The younger man replied weakly.

"No, I know." The colonel nodded his head toward their camp. "Speaking of those who care about you, Carter and Teal'c are setting up for Christmas."

"Christmas?" Daniel glanced around him. "Here?"

"Don't see why not. There's snow, fir trees, snow, something that *looks* like mistletoe, but Carter says not to touch, snow, holiday rations, snow, good company, snow, Christmas music - did I mention snow?"

Daniel's eyes lit up. "I think so. Did you say Christmas music? That doesn't mean Teal'c's singing carols, does it?"

"Actually, we've got quite an array of holiday selections thanks to Carter and a portable CD player. And Teal'c is decorating a tree." Jack let that fact sink in a moment then continued. "A live tree, not one of the fiber optic thingies ya see in the mall." Jack started back toward camp. "Ya coming?"

"Wait, wait, wait. A tree? Carols? Holiday food?" Daniel hurried to catch up with the colonel.

"And good company, Daniel." Jack caught and held his friend's eyes with his own. "Who'll be more than happy to listen to anything you'd like to talk about. Anything. Are we clear on that?"

Daniel smiled. "Crystal, Jack."

The colonel returned the smile as he threw a companionable arm over Daniel's shoulders. "Good. Now about leaving camp while you're on watch..."