Let Nothing You Dismay by Sheila Paulson

Let Nothing You Dismay
By Sheila Paulson

"I do not understand this holiday," Teal'c said.

"Well, no, you wouldn't," Daniel Jackson replied, shoving aside the post-mission report he'd been studying and pushing the hair back from his eyes as he glanced up at the Jaffa. "It arose out of Christianity and that didn't come along until well after the Goa'ulds were gone from Earth. Christmas is the traditional birthdate of Jesus Christ, the Christian God." Daniel had a way of offering information in the form of a lecture, and he was bound to know more about the subject than anyone. He was a learned man and Teal'c had come to respect him for it. His own knowledge of Earth was growing all the time, but he still had much to learn and Daniel Jackson would often take time to answer questions and explain tricky points.

This time, though, Daniel fell silent abruptly, his face closing away. Apparently Christmas was one subject he did not wish to discuss. Teal'c found that strange, for the other humans on the base talked of almost nothing else.

Captain Samantha Carter lifted her blond head from the report and eyed Jackson thoughtfully through slightly-narrowed eyes. "It started as a religious festival, Teal'c. You must understand about things like that. I'm sure you had religious festivals on Chulak."

"We did," the Jaffa replied. "But religious rites among my people do not explain such things as that decorated tree out there.@ He pointed to the corridor beyond the briefing room. AAnd the spirit that now permeates this base." Since he had stopped serving the Goa'uld and thrown in his lot with the Earth team whose job it was to visit other worlds through the Stargate, Teal=c had been exposed to many new ideas, all of them strange to him. He was learning, but there was so much to learn.

"Don't worry about it, Teal'c," Colonel Jack O'Neill said from the doorway, favoring them all with a lopsided grin. "Just go with the flow," the team leader insisted as he came in and grabbed up his report to sign.

"I'll take you Christmas shopping," Captain Carter volunteered with a friendly smile at Teal'c. "I have a few last-minute gifts to pick up myself. We've been on so many missions lately I haven't had a chance to finish my shopping."

"I wouldn't, Teal'c," Jack cautioned, half-amused, half-wary as if he feared Carter would insist on his attendance too. "It's a zoo out there. The last place you want to be is in a department store two weeks before Christmas. It makes some of SG-1's missions seem like a walk in a park."

"Some of the base personnel are taking leave for the holiday," Teal'c persisted, struggling to understand. AYet General Hammond says none of you have requested special leave. Is that because of our missions?" He knew Col. O'Neill's son was dead and he was divorced. Daniel Jackson never mentioned family other than Shar're. As for Captain Carter, all Teal'c knew of her was that she had been a part of a pre-nuptial custom called 'engagement' with a man who had been a part of one of the other SG teams but had ended the contract. Perhaps Teal'c's team had no family to go to for this Christmas ritual. Or perhaps they planned to spend it together. Teal'c felt he had a second family with his team, and if he could not go to Chulak to be with his wife and his son, he had new kin around him, kin who respected and cared for him as much as he respected and cared for them.

Yet the Colonel and Daniel Jackson both appeared uneasy. "You're not buying presents for us, are you, Sam?" O'Neill asked the woman in considerable alarm.

"Why not? I don't expect you to buy me anything. But I saw a few things I thought you'd enjoy and I couldn't resist picking them up. You're not going to play Grinch, are you, Colonel?"

"What is a Grinch?" Teal'c asked involuntarily. There was something both strange and rather silly about the name.

"I don't think you're ready for the Grinch yet, Teal'c," O'Neill replied immediately, but he was smiling now. Teal'c was disappointed to see the good humor fade almost immediately.

"I think I'm done here," Daniel Jackson said, scrawling his initials at the end of his report and closing the folder. "I have a lot of research I want to do, since we don't have a mission planned for several weeks."

"You're going away?" Carter asked, trying to cover her surprise and not entirely succeeding.

"Well, uh, just to my apartment. I have all the reference books I need there. I've been refreshing my mind on various ancient languages I've studied, since we encounter them so frequently even in steles and old records. Just recently I've been in contact with a Dr. Egon Spengler in New York who is an expert in the Sumerian language. He's e-mailed me various reference materials. I realized I was out of practice in reading Cuneiform. He referred me to another ancient language expert, a Dr. Beckett, but I have been unable to contact him. I plan to do serious research over the next several weeks. It will aid us on our missions."

AI=m going to get in a little stargazing,@ O=Neil said. ATake advantage of our downtime.@

Carter stared from him to Daniel Jackson and back again, frowning. Teal=c watched her face, noting the disappointment there. Then she closed her report. AI have to talk to Dr. Fraiser,@ she said. AI want to arrange a party for Cassandra before they leave for their holiday.@ She abandoned the briefing room without another word.

AWhy is Captain Carter upset?@ Teal=c asked, staring after her.

AUpset?@ Daniel Jackson and O=Neill exchanged surprised glances. AShe was upset?@ O=Neill asked, although Teal'c was certain he understood what had been bothering Carter. AMaybe it=s a women=s thing. We didn=t do anything to upset her, did we, Daniel?@

AI don=t think so,@ Daniel Jackson replied cautiously.

Christmas, thought Teal=c. It involved the two men=s plans for Christmas. Or rather, their plans that did not include Christmas. Either Colonel O=Neill or Daniel Jackson did not know that or they did not want to know that.

Teal=c needed to understand about Christmas, and he needed to do it soon.

Over the next few days, he tried to improve his knowledge with discreet questions to people like Dr. Fraiser and General Hammond, both of whom were awaiting the holiday with great anticipation. Dr. Fraiser spoke of buying gifts for Cassandra, the little girl brought back from the mission to Planet P8X-987, who was staying with her until such time as appropriate parents might be found for her. Teal=c and the rest of the SG-1 team suspected she would wind up keeping the child. Missing his own son, still feeling regret because he=d been forced to give the boy a Goa'uld larva in spite of his determination to prevent it, he could not help being envious of Dr. Fraiser and Cassandra.

He watched television, too. This medium was supposed to increase his knowledge of Earth customs and life, but more often than not, he found it confusing. Only sporting events made sense, for they had a clear and simple purpose, a pitting of skill, one team against another, a concept any Jaffa could understand. The more he watched television, the more he came to realize what a complex world Earth was, with its myriad governments and cultures within each political union. Yet the political unions and discords were easier to understand than the simple pleasures of the humans with whom he now lived.

Life on earth was surprising. Watching television shows and movies often created more questions than answers. Usually he could count on O=Neill to answer them. Jack O=Neill had become a good friend and one who understood how Teal=c frequently felt >a fish out of water=. The humans had sayings for everything, often adding to his confusion. To make it worse, they often said exactly the opposite of what they meant, and everyone understood this, everyone except Teal=c. He still remembered O=Neill=s, ALucy, I=m home.@ Apparently this was not evidence of a continuing problem but a quote any human would have recognized to prove he was cured of the sickness that had brought out the base, animal instincts in him and the others affected. Teal=c had seen reruns of the television show this quotation came from, and found himself more perplexed than before.

The Christmas shows were even worse. They were often sweetly sentimental, a concept Teal=c had trouble with in normal life. He understood feelings. He had deep feelings. But to wave them about as they did on the Christmas shows almost embarrassed him. Displays of genuine grief, genuine happiness, felt natural to him, but he did not understand these Christmas stories. He did find out what a Grinch was, though. That was progress.

The birth of the Christian god had become lost in the stories, in the commercialization. He still remembered with horror the shopping expedition Captain Carter had lured him on, a knit cap pulled low on his forehead to cover the tattoo there as they fought their way through hordes of maddened shoppers. He wished desperately for his staff weapon to clear a way through them, but of course he could never do that. Carter satisfied herself that he purchased gifts for O=Neill, Daniel Jackson, Dr. Fraiser, and General Hammond. When she was not watching he made another purchase, a gift for her, since she was a part of his team, his Earth family. She pretended not to notice, but her face lit up like a child=s, and he knew he had done the right thing.

AI=m worried about Daniel,@ Captain Carter told him, the evening after the shopping expedition.

ADaniel Jackson appears in excellent health,@ Teal=c remarked. He had seen the archaeologist little in the past week. When Daniel did come to Cheyenne Mountain, he was abstracted, closeting himself with General Hammond to make plans for upcoming missions of exploration. He was not unfriendly, but his usual unbridled enthusiasm had disappeared. He had barely spoken to Teal=c the last time they had encountered each other, and Teal=c had come to know Daniel Jackson well enough to realize his avoidance was not intended to be personal. AHowever,@ he concluded with surprised realization, Ahis spirits are low.@ Suddenly he remembered watching Jackson pass the elaborately decorated Christmas tree--and avert his eyes. He said so.

AI knew it,@ Carter exclaimed. AI mean I understand about the Colonel. Christmas is such a holiday for children he can=t help think of his son and how hard it has been on Christmas since Charlie=s accidental death. He=s healing and a little encouragement will help. He needs to be with his friends, not alone. I=m making plans that might help. But Daniel....@

APerhaps Daniel Jackson is mourning the loss of his wife,@ Teal=c offered. AAlthough Shar're did not know Christmas nor understand its purpose, any better than I do.@

ALast Christmas Daniel was on Abydos,@ Carter reminded him. AHe probably didn=t even think about it. He would know how much time he=d spent there, but the odds were he wouldn=t have worked out the corresponding Earth days. He just lost the whole holiday. Either that or he taught it to the Abydons and they had a party to end all parties.@ Carter winced, and Teal=c understood it. If Daniel had happily exposed the Abydons to Christmas last year, this year must feel terribly empty to him. Teal=c still missed his own wife and son, but it was a constant grief, a situation he could not fix so he must endure it. At least he knew they were alive, on Chulak. Christmas did not hurt him in that way because the holiday was not the custom on his homeworld. But he suspected it must hurt Daniel. His wife lost among the stars, possessed by the Goa'uld larva that transformed her into a Goa'uld, Daniel Jackson had insisted on becoming a part of the Stargate project in hopes of finding her one day. He, too, had become one of the team, of the family they were gradually becoming but at such a time, he must remember he had another family, too, a family he might never see again.

AWe must help Daniel Jackson,@ Teal=c insisted. AAnd Colonel O=Neill as well. This holiday is not a Jaffa holiday but I am of Earth now, and I will make it mine. You are the expert, Captain Carter. What must we do?@

ALeave it to me,@ she said, grinning. AJust play along with me. Can you do that?@

Alarmed at the twinkle of amusement in her eyes, he hesitated, then he braced himself manfully. AIf I must, I must.@

AI do not believe such garb is necessary,@ Teal=c said in a disgusted snort, frowning down at his unexpected attire.

AOh, come on, Teal=c, where=s your Christmas spirit.@ Recruited into the enterprise, Colonel O=Neill had unbent remarkably. He was no longer a Grinch. The teasing, ever-so-slightly silly side of his nature, which only emerged when he was happy and there was no danger, or when he wanted to help another team member relax, was at the fore. He stood back, head tilted, surveying Teal=c. AIt=s you,@ he said, his eyes twinkling. AIt=s really you.@

AIt is not me. It is simply strange clothing. I am not certain I can forgive you for this,@ Teal=c said. He felt remarkably foolish.

Jack reached out and adjusted his hat, and the wig along with it. AYou=ll do. Come on, let=s go show Sam. We just have to remember, it=s all her fault. If Daniel gets on our case about it, we put the blame squarely where it belongs. Deal?@

Teal=c hesitated, then he realized O=Neill=s words were true. All the blame must fall on Captain Carter--for the idea. For its execution, he and O=Neill had an equal share in the blame. However, he had learned much since his arrival on Earth. AIt is a deal,@ he concurred.

AYou look...great,@ O=Neill continued, struggling not to laugh. AI wish I had a camera so I could show the people at the base....@

ANo. Part of the >deal= was that there be no photographs.@ He tugged uncomfortably at the broad, black belt secured across his middle. It was not too tight; it would not disturb his Goa'uld larva. AThis clothing is very hot,@ he added. AI do not like it.@

AIt=s only to get us in the door. Ready? Good.@ He tilted his head to one side and studied the finished product. AGreat. Come on. Sam=s waiting.@

Captain Carter=s delight lit up her whole face.

Daniel Jackson was not looking forward to Christmas at all. Grateful when the holiday put a two weeks delay on missions through the Stargate, he had one thought, to retreat from the base and the hearty spirits of those stationed there to the safety of his own apartment where he could take refuge amid his books and artifacts. He had notes he planned to add to several of his mission diaries, he had his ancient language research with Dr. Spengler via e-mail, and he had his memories.

It was the last part that bugged him the most.

Had she known it, Sam=s speculation had been close to the truth. Daniel had known exactly what the Earthdate was for every day of the year he had spent on the planet Abydos, the first world he had visited through the Stargate. Completely happy with Shar're and with helping her people to achieve their fully potential since they had been freed of Ra's domination, he had often talked about his old life to a fascinated audience. Skaara, for one, could not hear enough about Earth, about the world of Col. O=Neill. He and his friends had listened with fascinated wonder as Daniel spun them tale after tale. The Christmas holiday had caught their fancy, and Skaara had conspired with his sister to reproduce as much of the holiday for Daniel as possible. Trees were not exactly common on Abydos, except for the odd palm, but they had found a small one, brought it home, decorated it with candles and tiny lamps. All those who were particularly close to Daniel had given him small gifts, wrapped in colored cloth and sealed with wax and ribbons. The end result didn=t resemble any Christmas decorations Daniel had ever seen, but the thought that the Abydons cared enough to give him Christmas had warmed his heart. He could still picture Shar're=s loving face as she watched his delight.

And now she was gone, possibly forever, changed from his wife to a Goa'uld, possibly irredeemably. The new life Daniel had made for himself since returning from Abydos had begun with the desperate need to find his wife, and that need still existed. His friends on the SG-1 team had become a new family for him, a family who mattered to him more than anything, except for Shar're. He was glad Jack and Teal=c hadn=t been interested in Christmas; it meant he didn=t have to participate in holiday doings. The sight of the tree outside their briefing room had reminded him of last Christmas and he couldn=t find the heart to take part in the festivities this year. Sam was into it, but Sam had spent a lot of time with Cassandra, helping Dr. Fraiser teach the little girl what Christmas meant. A part of Daniel wanted to join in; he was fond of the child and he knew Sam would have welcomed him. But he couldn't do it.

Over the past month and a half he had bought each member of his team a present, he had even wrapped them much as Shar're had wrapped the gifts for him last Christmas, but he had not found the heart to distribute them to his friends. They sat in his bedroom, waiting. When he entered the room, he always avoided noticing them.

To Daniel, the holiday only meant another reminder of his loss.

He knew he wasn=t being particularly fair. Jack had endured a loss, too, the accidental death of his son, his divorce. He probably remembered happy Christmases when they had still been a family. And in spite of the alien who had briefly taken his son=s form, Jack had no chance of reclaiming what he=d lost. Daniel preferred to believe he did have a chance, no matter how small it was. He should contact O'Neill, find out if he wanted to meet, even if it was just to eat a meal together. Only he couldn't force himself to reach for the telephone.

Now it was Christmas Eve, and even the fascinated e-mails of Dr. Spengler had stopped as the man joined his fellow Ghostbusters for their celebration. Daniel had a lot of work to do, piles of books of research on ancient cultures, but instead of turning to them he had flopped down on the sofa where he sat brooding.

"Shar're," he said softly. "I would give so much to have you here with me right now." But even if she arrived on Earth through the Stargate, or possibly on a Goa'uld ship, she would not be his wife any longer.

He slammed his fist down on the arm of the sofa.

That was when he heard a knock at the door.

Daniel stiffened. Maybe if he ignored it, whoever it was would go away, but he couldn't help thinking it might be Jack, and Daniel knew he wouldn't go away. He'd stand there knocking for hours if that's what it took. Maybe Sam or Teal'c would give up and go away--although he wasn't so sure of Sam because of the holiday--but Jack wouldn't leave until he got what he wanted. If it were anyone else, he could send them off and keep on pretending Christmas didn't exist.

When he opened the door, the first thing he saw was a Christmas tree, fully decorated with lights, ornaments and tinsel. The lights weren't plugged in, of course, but they could be. The tree was almost as tall as Daniel, and it was balanced carefully by a hand in gloves and a red suit with white cuffs. Santa Claus stood there holding the tree, a Jaffa Santa Claus named Teal'c.

"Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas," came his deep voice after a hastily whispered prompt. How Jack and Sam had ever convinced Teal'c to dress up as Santa Claus was beyond him. He simply stared at the Jaffa, practically unrecognizable in the red suit, white wig and beard, and Teal'c stared back, almost unwilling to meet his eyes. Teal'c looked incredibly silly. For a moment, something inside Daniel wanted to smile. The urge cut through the hardness around his heart and made it finally start to loosen.

"Come on, Daniel, the tree's heavy," Jack urged from behind the self‑conscious Jaffa. "And so's this." O'Neill displayed a bag that was bursting with of presents.

"Guys, you shouldn't have done this," Daniel began, giving ground as Teal'c advanced determinedly. If he chose, Teal'c could walk right through Daniel without the slightest difficulty so Jackson stepped aside to allow him to squeeze the tree through the door. Jack followed with his bag of gifts, a half-wry and half-delighted smile on his face, and there was Sam, naturally, right behind him, carrying several full grocery bags in her arms.

"Merry Christmas, Daniel," she greeted as she came in. "Where shall I put the food?"

He waved her over to the nearest table, unable to stop staring as Teal'c deposited the tree near his bookcases, straightened several ornaments that had come loose in transit, and searched for the nearest electrical outlet. The wig and hat slipped down over his eyes as he leaned down and he gave a snort of annoyance and shoved them back on his forehead as he plugged in the lights. They went strangely with his Serpent Guard tattoo. Then he made a sound of triumph. At once the tree sprang into glory in a multitude of shades that reminded Daniel all too clearly of the candles and lamps last year on Abydos. I can't. I just can't do this....

Jack started placing gifts beneath the tree, and that reminded him of Abydos, too. It hurt so much Daniel nearly fled his apartment and left them to it. He wanted to. It would be so much safer, so much easier, to run from this celebration and from the bittersweet memories it evoked.

But then he saw the anxious concern in Sam's eyes, the stubborn determination in Jack's, and Teal'c's distress at his horrified reaction. He couldn't run. These were his friends, the most important people in his life right now, and if he turned on them now, tonight....

They were doing for him what the Abydons had done, making him welcome, making him a part of their lives, sharing an important time with them, even Teal'c, who didn't yet understand Christmas. They were reminding him that he wasn't alone, that he had people who cared about him. And they were sharing the most important time of the year with him, with him, not with families or other friends. He wouldn't be surprised if Catherine didn't turn up in awhile to join the celebration.

Daniel's eyes filled. Quickly he turned away, not to run but to pull himself together, removing his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. Yes, this reminded him of his wife, but then she was never far from his thoughts, and he knew Shar're--his own Shar're, not the creature she had become--would not want him to suffer at such a time. She'd probably kick his butt for his behavior, at least figuratively. Because she couldn't be here tonight, he had to do this, both for herself and Skaara, and for his team, his friends, his family.

And if he didn't get hold of himself, he'd break down and bawl like a baby.

"Drinks?" he blurted at random, struggling to steady his voice. "I don't know what I've got...."

"Taken care of," Jack said in satisfaction, folding the empty sack and standing up to survey his handiwork. "I make a mean egg nog, and Sam brought all the ingredients. Don't suppose you have a punchbowl, do you, Professor Einstein?"

Daniel shoved his glasses on quickly and turned to face Jack. He could tell the Colonel was trying hard, too. And he was succeeding. The effort had done wonders for O'Neill. He looked hopeful and excited, like a child about to experience a long-delayed treat.

"Uh, Punchbowl? Of course I have a punchbowl. I've got everything," he replied extravagantly. Well, that was an exaggeration, but he was sure there was a punchbowl on one of the shelves that he never bothered with in the kitchen. He hurried out to fetch it, glad of a chance to collect himself.

Sam followed him. "Daniel? Are you all right?"

He turned to face her, saw the hope in her eyes, and couldn't do anything to crush it. "I will be," he said, blinking to rid his eyes of the stubborn moisture that lurked there. "Last year.... Shar're and Skaara... did this for me. Gave me the holiday. It--she seems so far away."

"She might be no further than the Stargate," Sam said gently. Catching his arm to stop him before he could begin his search for the punchbowl, she wrapped her arms around his waist and hugged him hard. He closed his arms around her, feeling such gratitude for her friendship, and that of the other two that he couldn't speak it. "Merry Christmas, Daniel," she said again.

He cleared his throat awkwardly and tried. "M-merry Christmas, Sam."

Teal'c appeared in the doorway. "The Colonel wants a punchbowl," he said. He had shed the hat and wig, but the beard was still attached behind one ear and he was grinning broadly. His fellow Jaffa would never know him.

"Great outfit," Daniel said facetiously, beginning to smile. The sight of Teal'c in the outlandish garb of a culture not his own had stopped Daniel from panicking and running away from tonight. He didn't know whether it had been Jack's idea or Sam's for Teal'c to don the costume, but it had been a good one. That had made him stop just long enough for the spirit of the season to catch up with him.

"Then I am quite willing for you to wear it," Teal'c said with grim determination. But there was amusement in his eyes.

"Is anybody ever going to bring me a punchbowl?" Jack demanded, sliding past Teal'c and stopping in front of Daniel. He reached out and gave him a comradely pat on the arm. "You're delaying the celebration," he said. "A good egg nog has to set."

"Before it becomes lethally alcoholic?" Daniel asked suspiciously, although he could not help but respond to the good humor in Jack's face.

"Nearly-lethally," Jack replied. "You don't want us passed out on your floor tonight."

"I do not understand this egg nog," Teal'c said. From the humor in his face, it was clear he had thrown in the comment simply to evoke a response.

Jack shared a warm smile with Daniel before he clapped Teal'c on the shoulder. "Well, you're about to, buddy," he said. "You're about to."

Daniel smiled in return as he gestured Jack in the direction of the cupboard. "I'll go get my presents," he said, suddenly glad he'd bought them. Sam's face lit up, not at the thought of a gift for herself but at the realization Daniel had done his best for the holiday after all. And Jack nodded in approval.

For a moment, Daniel stood there, basking in the moment, in the presence of his friends, in the knowledge that he wasn't alone, then he spoke quickly. "I'll be right back." And he hurried after the gifts with a good heart.