Sam Carter's Christmas Diary by Wendy Parkinson

Sam Carter’s Christmas Diary
By Wendy Parkinson

24th December 2001

5.30am Throw alarm clock across bedroom.

What possessed me to get up this early? Remember I haven't bought presents, decorated the tree or prepared any food and I'm expecting Dad, Colonel O'Neill, Janet, Cassie, Daniel and Teal'c for Christmas dinner tomorrow.

5.31am Why did I bother going to bed? I'm never going to get everything done...

5.32am Jump out of bed. Clutch head and almost fall over. Remember I went to bed because I'd shared three bottles of wine with Janet.

5.35am Where the hell are those painkillers?

6am After two cups of coffee and a dose of ibuprofen, consider rejoining the human race. Make more coffee and some toast. Manage coffee and make valiant attempt at toast. Decide that the quantity of calories consumed last night - wine, pizza, chocolates and a couple of double brandies - will make up for not eating today.

Probably.

6.10am Shake snow off Christmas tree and try to drag it inside from the yard. It appears to be wider than the doorway. Stop and stare at it. Interrupted by Mrs Whitworth from next door, who is sweeping her front walk. "Good morning, Margaret."

"It's Sam, Mrs Whitworth." She always calls me Margaret. Don't ask me why, I've never worked it out. And what sort of person sweeps their walk at this time of the morning, anyway?

She keeps sweeping, never missing a beat. "Sam. Of course. Sorry, my dear. Are you trying to get that inside?"

Today's award for stating the glaringly obvious goes to....

"Yes. I really must get on. Got a lot to do today."

"It's the time of year, Margaret."

I clench my teeth. "Sam." Revert attention back to tree. I'm a highly qualified physicist, surely I can get a tree into my house...

"Try tying the branches to the trunk, Margaret. It makes the tree a lot more manouevrable."

Why didn't I think of that? I feel my eyes narrow at my white haired neighbour, still resolutely sweeping her walk and smiling with a rather unpleasant air of self satisfaction. Out thought by a 70 year old who can't even remember my name.

The day can only get better. Can't it?

8.45am After much cursing have erected and decorated tree. I come to the conclusion I didn't get enough decorations - the tree looks kind of bare. Wondering what to do about it when the phone rings. It's Janet, who if anything sounds in a worse state than me.

"What did we do last night?" she mumbles.

"We drank too much wine round here, then you got a taxi home. Can't you remember?"

"It didn't involve Daniel?"

I rummage through the alcohol fogged recesses of my brain. Although I remember Janet recounting some rather sordid fantasies involving our archaeologist, I don't remember him actually *being there*... but the state I was in, I can't be 100% sure. "No," I say, trying to sound as decisive as possible.

Her voice drops an octave. "Then why is he fast asleep on my couch?"

I have an irresistible urge to laugh, but realising Janet doesn't find the situation funny, I manage to restrain myself. "Is he dressed?"

"Of course!" Janet sounds mortally offended. "Do you think I'd... while he was asleep?"

"It's what you did *before* he went to sleep I was concerned about."

"That's the problem. I don't remember. I don't even remember leaving your place."

"Oh." There really isn't much else to say under the circumstances.

"What am I going to do, Sam?"

Her tone is desperate, but my sympathy is in short supply due to the fact that there wasn't a certain brown eyed Colonel fast asleep on my couch when I got up this morning. Some women have all the luck. "You could help me. I haven't got any presents yet and there's the food. And I don't seem to have enough decorations for the tree."

This jolt of reality seems to make Janet pull herself together. "I'll get you some decorations. Just as soon as Sleeping Beauty wakes up. Is it okay if I bring them round this afternoon?"

"Sure. Try and get some holly too. See you later. And I expect to hear the full story."

That should be interesting, though knowing Daniel, I'll bet it's totally innocent. His car probably broke down or something.

10.30am Hit mall to do Christmas shopping. Have to get presents for Colonel O'Neill, Daniel, Janet, Cassie, Teal'c and Dad. Should I get something for Selmac as well? If so, what? I have no idea what the etiquette is... unfortunately, it's a bit late to send a message to the Tok'ra and if I did I'd probably get that self important bitch Anise. I'm sure she's after the Colonel. But Janet thinks she's after Daniel. I'm just grateful that both guys seem frightened to death of her.

In any case, I bet Anise would see Christmas as an excuse to wear even less than her usual ridiculous ensemble. Do you know she refused to wear a white coat when she was working in our labs? She had the nerve to say it wasn't Tok'ra custom. Custom, my ass! She wanted to flash her considerable assets at every male in the SGC. Now there's a woman who really deserves to get hypothermia.

10.40am Oooh! That's nice!

10.41am Remember I'm shopping for presents, not a new wardrobe. Put dress back and leave store.

10.55am Not getting anywhere so go to Starbucks for a coffee and a rethink.

11.20am Suitably fortified by a cappuccino and two doughnuts, return to the fray.

12.58pm Woo-hoo! I've finished! A present for everyone! Feeling very proud of myself. I've got perfume for Janet, a Robbie Williams CD for Cassie, a tie with hieroglyphics on for Daniel, a hat for Teal'c, a book on military history for Dad, the latest Danielle Steel for Selmak and....

12.59pm Have to admit I'm having second thoughts about the chocolate body paint I've bought the Colonel.

1.08pm Buy black sweater for Colonel.

But I may still give him the body paint. If I have enough to drink first.

1.20pm On way back to parking lot am accosted by Santa Claus, complete with red suit and fake beard, and a dubious character dressed as a reindeer who insists his name is Chris Moose. About to use level four hand to hand on them when I realise they're collecting for the local children's home. Give generous donation relieved that I won't be up before a judge on charges of assault.

1.23pm Consider possibility that I may be over stressed.

2.20pm Wrapping presents when doorbell rings. Open door to be greeted by the sight of Doctors Frasier and Jackson standing on my doorstep. Daniel has his arm draped protectively over Janet's shoulders and she's staring up at him in what can only be described as 'puppy dog' fashion.

I stare enquiringly at Janet, who mouths "later" at me.

There are some circumstances where 'later' just isn't good enough. This is one of them. I want to know NOW!

Invite them in, unable to keep eyes off Daniel's arm. It slips down to Janet's waist as they walk past me into the living room. Until now, I don't think I've ever seen anyone 'bat their eyelashes' but Janet seems to do it very effectively. It elicits a squeeze and a knowing smile from Daniel.

"Oh, this is for you." Janet hands me a bag. "All they had left was tinsel. Hope that's okay."

"Yeah, fine. Would you like a coffee?" As soon as the words are out of my mouth I regret them. I really don't have time to socialise right now.

"That'd be great," replies Daniel, his hand now wandering up and down Janet's back.

"Do sit down," I yell, as I retreat to the kitchen. I can still hear them clearly as I start making the coffee.

"Hey look, snugglebum..."

Snugglebum? I really never saw Daniel as a 'snugglebum' before.

"...chocolate body paint."

Damn! They would find that!

"Five ninety five at Walmart."

"How do you know?"

Yeah, how do you know, Danny? Hold on... five ninety five? I was robbed!

"I might have bought some for someone."

"I was hoping you might say that."

Aarrgghh! Pass me the bucket! I'm not going back in there with them talking like that. It'll just be too embarrassing. I finish making the coffee and pause to listen. All quiet. Good.

2.25pm Oh God! I don't believe what they're doing... and on my couch! If Janet says it's a new way to examine Daniel's tonsils, I'm not going to believe her. And I definitely don't believe where Daniel has his hand.

Bang goes the perception I had of him as being kind of shy and innocent. The next time he gets seduced by some predatory female, he's on his own. In fact, I'll probably be on the side of the female.

Does look kind of fun though.

2.26pm Am I turning into a voyeur?

Attempt to cough but due to excess of hormones it comes out as a kind of strangled yelp.

They spring apart and Janet has the good grace to look embarrassed. Daniel slowly moves his hand, and smiles at me in an annoying 'cat that got the cream' fashion.

3pm Thank goodness they've gone. Drape tinsel all over the tree. Find I have some left over. Drape that artistically over some of the pictures on the living room walls.

Artistically? Who am I kidding?

3.10pm Finally run out of tinsel. Decide to have a shower.

3.20pm Fantasy about Colonel O'Neill sharing shower rudely interrupted by the doorbell. Wrapping myself in towel, adapt fantasy to it being the Colonel at the door and him ripping towel from my body and ravishing me on the hall carpet.

Open door. No-one there. Notice bag on doorstep. Further investigation reveals a note.

"Major Carter,

I understand you are in need of more Christmas decorations. Unfortunately, I could only obtain tinsel. I hope this will be adequate.

Teal'c."

I peer into the bag. It's stuffed full of tinsel.. Where on earth am I going to put it?

3.54pm Have fixed tinsel round the doors, along the shelves and over the fireplace. Living room beginning to take on otherworldly appearance. Groan when doorbell rings again.

This time it's Cassie and Dominic, wearing identical Santa hats. If they stand any closer together, they'll be wearing each other's clothes. And they're holding hands.

Is everyone getting some but me?

"Sam, Mom said you needed more decorations for the tree. Sorry, but we could only get tinsel."

What a surprise.

I take the bag and try to smile. "Want to come in?" I ask, with more enthusiasm than I feel.

"No, thanks. We're going to the mall. See you tomorrow!"

They turn and leave. I find myself sighing deeply as Dominic puts his arm round Cassie's shoulders.

4.15pm Have draped tinsel along the back of the couch and the armchairs. Have hung the rest from the ceiling. I survey the room. It twinkles back at me.

Doorbell rings *again*.

Through the window, I can see the Colonel's truck. Why didn't he turn up when I was only wearing a towel?

I open the door. "Hi, Sir." My heart sinks. He's holding a bag. What's the betting it's yet more tinsel? I'll have to start wearing the stuff next.

"I heard you were short of decorations."

"Yeah."

He steps into the hall, and I close the door.

"This is very..."

Over the top?

"...festive," he says politely as he walks into the living room.

"Yeah" Can't I say anything else? This man has the ability to reduce me to a gibbering wreck. Particularly when he's wearing that leather jacket... and jeans... He turns round, possibly blinded by the light shining off the tinsel, and I get the full effect of the denim stretched over his....

Whoa! Down girl! Shaking myself, I realise he's talking to me.

"I brought this," he's saying, rummaging in the bag.

"Sir, I really don't have anywhere to put...."

"Mistletoe?" he says, smirking and holding a sprig over my head.

All I manage to mutter is, "Well, *that* was unexpected," before I realise his face is getting closer and closer, and then when his lips touch mine....

Oh wow.

9.37pm I'm going to have to give Jack the sweater for Christmas. We seem to have used all the chocolate body paint....